Handy College Football Dictionary

Hey, all! After a long absence from blogging due to unwanted interference from something called "responsibility," I figured I'd ease back in by writing a guide for new fans who are looking to understand some of the ins and outs of the game. The inspiration for this comes from a genuinely funny Grantland article, which you should read because it's way better than this one.

Any hoo, my intention here is to put together a guide that will introduce people to both the general concept of college football and some of its finer points. To-wit, here's a glossary of useful terms that you'll find sprinkled into other posts, both here and on other blogs. And I'm only repeating one of the terms in the previously linked article. See if you can find it!

announcer (n.)--Person theoretically in charge of informing TV audience on in-game action. Usually abandons this duty somewhere in the first quarter to make pointless observations, pop culture references, wild guesses, or (if you're watching CBS) to cheer for Alabama.

assistant coach (n.)--Coach responsible for a smaller aspect of the team than the whole. If your team is terrible but the coach is beloved, these guys must be fired. If your team is terrible and the coach isn't beloved, they must be promoted.

BCS (n.)--former championship system for college football. Inadequate and universally hated, it will be remembered fondly the first time any sort of controversy arises with the new inadequate championship system.

blogger (n.)--hack writer who hammers his own opinions into his work, regardless of how nightmarishly wrong they are. Is not held to journalistic standards. Is very well aware of the hypocrisy, thanks.

bowl (n.)--Postseason game, once meaningful. Now indicative of a team that has attained the mighty summit of a 6-6 record.

This is not a thing I made up.

bust (adj.)--Term used to describe any athlete who did not live up to the potential he exhibited at a lower level. Usually used in regard to a college star who does not fare as well in the NFL. Because the game is totally the same at all levels.

chippy (adj.)--term used to describe a player who acts like an a**hole, but who the commentators like. Will be described as "classless" or "thug" if they don't like him. (See also: Football, Johnny.)

class rank (n.)--An arbitrary number ranking how well a set of high schoolers from all parts of the country will perform when brought together into one area and forced into multiple years of refinement before they even see the field. Exactly as accurate as the description makes it sound.

Clemsoning (v.)--Performing well for roughly half to two-thirds of a season and attaining a high ranking before going on national TV and crapping the bed in front of millions. Alternatively, beating the teams you're supposed to beat and getting hammered by any halfway decent opponent. Named for a certain university that does this year after year after year after year.

commentator's curse (n.)--An event wherein a commentator makes an observation, often statistically based, that is immediately contradicted by the action on the field. e. g. An announcer observing that the quarterback has not thrown an interception in 98 pass attempts, followed immediately by an interception.

defense (n.)--A theoretical entity that supposedly stops scoring. Has not been publicly discussed since 2007.

division (n.)--1.) The divide between big schools and small schools. "Big" schools play in the FBS, which sorts out its championship the American way, with elitism and flagrant favoritism. Smaller schools play in the communist FCS which has less money and determines its championship through a balanced playoff system. This division is necessary. 2.) The separating of teams into separate groups in conferences that have grown too large to have everyone play one another. Especially effective when you divide the teams into one competitive group with multiple hardnosed teams, and another group with only 2 competitors, one of which chokes like a vomiting Jim Morrison every dang season. This division is also necessary.

Seems legit.

facemask (v.)--grabbing the protective thing on the front of a player's helmet. A 15 yard penalty that is always called on the defense. It's just blocking if the offense does it, because reasons.

Football, Johnny (prop. n.)--Former Texas A&M quarterback/greatest football player ever, according to the current sports media. Frequently taunts other players and behaves like a spoiled child off the field, thus is described as "chippy" by his adoring fans. Is now in the NFL, but will still be referenced every 30 seconds whenever his team is on TV.

goal-line stand (n.)--event where defense holds the offense out of the end zone. This will never be accomplished by the team you cheer for, it will only happen against them.

gridiron (n.)--a term used by announcers and coaches to refer to the field. Used because saying "field" all the time gets old, and "gridiron" sounds cooler.

Hail Mary (n.)--long, last-second, desperation pass. Named for one of the most famous plays in football, and the fact that the university completing the play had a majority of Catholic students. Surprisingly does not involve Notre Dame.

Heisman Memorial Trophy (n.)--Award given to the Most Outstanding "Player" (read: quarterback) in any given season of college football.

home field advantage (n.)--propensity for certain teams to win more at home, generally owing to the presence of several thousand inebriated people screaming at the top of their lungs. Doesn't always work.

illegal shift (n.)--a penalty that will be called about 4 times per game, though no one (including the referees) knows exactly what it is.

 

Is this an illegal shift? I don't know!

kickoff (n.)--along with a punt, the only time the foot is supposed to be used in football. Don't think about it too much.

lateral (v.)--the act of tossing the ball backwards. "Backwards" can be loosely interpreted on occasion.

offense (n.)--the guys who move the ball and do the scoring. Football's new god, offense is considered to be more exciting than defense, and the breakdown of penalties and the absurd basketball scores that are a weekly occurrence now seem to indicate that the deity is pleased. I'm not bitter.

offensive pass interference (n.)--a theoretical scenario in which an offensive player prevents a defensive player from doing his job. Given the rate at which it is called, may or may not still be in the rule book. Was called once in 2004 to ensure that the favored team would win the game in question. I'm still not bitter.

piling on (v.)--Racking up an obscene score against a clearly beaten opponent. An offensive, classless move when done against your team, it is absolutely acceptable for when your team does it.

quarterback (n.)--the player on offense who handles the ball first. Generally the most important player on the field. Also generally the guy who wins the Heisman.

sack (n. or v.)--tackling the quarterback behind the line of scrimmage. The only time the defense is allowed to hit the quarterback, touch the quarterback, or give the quarterback a mean look.

scrambler (adj.)--descriptor for a quarterback who can run and play his main position. It's a must for your team to win. Unless of course it isn't.

tight end (n.)--a very large wide receiver

upset (n.)--event wherein a smaller or lower-ranked school defeats the team that was supposed to win. Here is a link to the greatest upset in college football history.

Virginia Teching (v.)--A cousin of Clemsoning. Playing well through most of the season, gaining a high ranking, and inexplicably losing at home to an unranked, possibly theoretical, school like the University of Phoenix or East Carolina.

wide receiver (n.)--guy who catches passes. A holy creature, they are not to be touched, hit too hard, or blown on.

So there you have it! Now you know everything about college football. Go and show your new knowledge as the season dawns!

Weeks 1 & 2: Ramblings

Aaaaaahhhh. Good to be back. Perhaps you're wondering: "Bones, where did your trademark psychotic rambling go? I need it to put people to sleep so I can steal their things."

To that I respond: Fear not, dear reader! I have returned to rambling. There was a slight delay caused by the return of this "school" place where I work, so we'll just breeze over the first week's games and couple some observations from week 2 in there as well. Follow me? Good!

*The ugliest story in college football this year, and possibly ever, is the Penn State case. The only thing that remains to be said about that is that I feel sorry for these players. Staff and others associated with the team have to live with themselves and what they knew and didn't tell, but the players who stayed in Happy Valley didn't have a part in Sandusky's crimes. They (and pretty much no one else up there) deserve better than an 0-2 start.

*Savannah State's schedule maker is a sadist. That is all, move along.

*Memo to Missouri players: Criticize your opponents after you play them. No "old man football" labels if you can't beat Georgia.

*So...Arkansas? A Sun Belt team? Hey, better schedule someone from the Southern Conference next year, since 1-A opponents appear to be a bit much to handle.

*South Carolina edges Vandy (with a questionable call) then beats ECU like a drum...gonna be an interesting year in Columbia.

*Southern Cal crushed Hawaii then looked unimpressive against Syracuse. ESPN has treated the coming USC/Stanford game as the big test on USC's schedule. Technically it is, since they don't play another non-sucky team until late October. Still isn't much of a test, since Stanford is a shell of itself. Exhibit A: a 3 point defeat of San Jose State. No, the Duke game doesn't count.

*Oregon still scores lots of points, but their schedule is more of a joke than USC's. And that is depressing.

*Florida State is touted as the ACC's best shot at a title contender. I'll buy that more once they play a team that is part of the FBS (Division 1-A). Right now all FSU is proving is that they're better than 1-AA teams. Hooray.

*Oregon State upsets Wisconsin, UCLA knocks off Nebraska, Alabama kills Michigan, Arizona State blows out Illinois, Penn State's 0-2. Yup. The Big 10 is back!

*Speaking of Alabama: Nick Saban. Still the devil.

*Yay! Virginia Tech beat its 1-AA foe after playing a 1-A team on Monday. A departure from last time!

*Seriously, what sense does it make to play a divisional game in week one? Condolences to Georgia Tech, who basically have a 2 game hole to make up to start the season.

*Arizona upset Oklahoma State after OSU thrashed Savannah State. Further proof of the joys of actually having a defense.

*Is it vindictive of me to hope Mike Leach fails at Washington State? Yeah, probably, but I'm still gonna hope that. Wazzu should actually win their next 2 games, then get put back into their place by Oregon. And it will be lovely.

*Kansas State killed Miami (FL). Somewhere, dozens of South Florida Internet Trolls went into hibernation until next August, when they'll type again that "Da U" is back. Just like they have for the past 6 years.

*Notre Dame beats Navy and Purdue. Wake me when that matters.

*Sleeper pick for the year: Louisville. Calling it right now (aaaaand they're gonna lose to Carolina because I said that)

*Whole host of other things, but we're nearing the 600 word mark in a disorganized post. Let's all bask in the first glorious weeks of football, especially since we have a pretty good looking week coming up!

2012 National Title Game Preview

Well, we've sifted through 34 bowls, some good and some bad. We've arrived at the lone game in this crazy postseason that matters: The BCS National Title Game. Let's analyze, shall we?

#2 Alabama vs. #1 LSU

Breakdown: There's not much left to say about the regular seasons these two teams had. Both cruised through their regular season opponents, playing only one close game, that being the time they played each other. Both teams feature suffocating defenses, which complement their bruising rush offense. All the analysts offering reasons why this game will be different than the last one are trying to suck people in because of all the complaints that the last matchup between these two was "boring." This game will be more of the same, and that's not a bad thing! Well, it wouldn't be if Alabama had any business being here...

I can hear the screams of indignation from Tuscaloosa now, so follow me for a moment before you make the effigy: Does anyone remember the 2006 season? The year that Michigan and Ohio State were #1 and #2 after ripping their competition to shreds and playing one another in a pretty close game to end the season? At the end of the year that year, many people (myself included) felt that there should be a Michigan/Ohio State rematch in the championship game. We didn't get our way, and Michigan and OSU both lost their bowl games. So follow me a bit further:

LSU belongs in the national title game. They're the only undefeated team in D-1A (FBS if you hate convenience) and they've beaten 2 BCS-bowl winning teams: Oregon in a neutral site game and West Virginia on the road. Alabama, meanwhile, played only one bowl team in their nonconference schedule: the Penn State team that was beaten fairly badly by Houston. Conference play has to be taken with a grain of salt, because conferences vary wildly in strength. The SEC currently sits at 5-2 in the bowls, while the Big 12 sits at 6-2 and Conference USA is 4-1. Am I saying that the Big 12 is better than the SEC? And that Conference USA is better than both? No. What I'm saying is that Alabama's being rewarded for doing well in its conference, when conference play's value as a tool for analysis is negligible. *Sigh* If only there was a system whereby teams from multiple conferences could play one another in a series of games in a sort of single-elimination tournament, eventually using head-to-head competition to come up with a balanced means of determining a champion. Oh, well, a guy can dream.

Pick: Both these teams play the style of football I like, coupled with individuals whom I detest. Nick Saban is, in fact, the devil, while Tyrann Mathieu may be the biggest a**hole in all of sports. Moral considerations aside, I'll pick LSU based on history. I think they can repeat their win over the Tide and at least give a semblance of legitimacy to the title game. Either way, it's been a great season, and I hope you all enjoyed watching it as much as I did. Thanks for reading these posts, and I'll see y'all in the future!

Bowl Preview: Cotton Bowl and Others

Well, we've gone through 31 of the 35 bowls. Thankfully, the ACC isn't in any more of them, so I might be able to get the outcome of one correct. Given the way the last several games have gone, however, I doubt it...

Let me be frank here, however: These bowls only serve to irritate us. The Cotton Bowl is a legitimate high-level bowl matchup, so it can stay during BCS week. The other two have no excuses being this close to the national title game. Let's do this quickly:

Cotton Bowl: #8 Kansas State vs. #6 Arkansas

Arkansas is here because the BCS doesn't allow three teams from one conference into their little club. Now, I have publicly bashed the bottom three-fourths of the SEC, and I have no reason not to continue to do so, but I'd also be a total idiot to deny that LSU, Alabama, and Arkansas are all really good football teams. Arkansas certainly should have gotten an at-large selection (Michigan's. Sorry, they were still ranked lower before the game. I'll indict the Hokies in a second, just hang on.) but the rules of the BCS prohibited it. Sure, it's a stupid rule, but it's a stupid system, so why change a theme? Kansas State comes in representing a surprisingly good (6-1 this bowl season) Big 12. K-State also should have gotten a BCS spot (Virginia Tech's. There, I said it.) but I guess they don't bring enough fans or something? I don't know, but this has set up a pretty good Cotton Bowl.

Pick: Kansas State's good at keeping the ball in their hands, and I'm still not 100% sold on Arkansas. The Hogs have 2 losses this year, to the 2 teams in the title game, but K-State's going to slow down the game with a strong, methodical rushing attack. The Wildcats have played above their ability all season, let's see if they can do it one more time.

The other two minor bowls whose name no one knows or cares about:

Bowls like this, if you haven't guessed, irritate me. It's not their existence, because I believe that any true college football fan should have the opportunity to see the little teams in action, and bowl season is a great time to do that. The timing of these bowls, however, is off. As I mentioned before, the first match of ranked teams this bowl season came on January 2! After sitting through two weeks of fairly obscure teams in mediocre bowls (obviously not your team, all the others), we got some really good football these past few days. Now they want us to go back to the tiny teams? Right before the big game. No, thanks. And before I'm accused of being an elitist snob, take note that I don't blame the schools, they didn't schedule these games at absurdly late times. I blame greedy bowl committees trying to...actually I'm not sure what they're trying to accomplish with the dinky January games. I'll still watch them (because I hate myself) but that doesn't mean you should.

Picks: SMU throws past Pitt's shoddy defense, Arkansas State completes the best season in school history with a win over Northern Illinois. (PS: Please tell me in the comments section whether or not you could have named any of the four teams in these games without looking them up.)

That's all for the meaningless 34! Come back next time to see me be wrong about the national title game!

Bowl Preview: ACC BCS Blowout

So in a year during which the conference was derided for its mediocrity, the ACC wound up getting its first ever double invite to the BCS. All eyes will be on the performance of Virginia Tech and Clemson in the coming days, and it's in the best interests of the conference to win both of these games, handily if possible. Given that one of the teams involved is the team to which I pledge my fan allegiance while another one is a hated rival school from the Big East, I am almost certainly the worst person to be doing this analysis. Michigan fans, I apologize in advance. West Virginia fans, I'd apologize, but I know you can't read this anyhow.

Allstate Sugar Bowl, January 3, 2011:

#11 Virginia Tech vs. #13 Michigan

Breakdown: Look, I'm not saying that Virginia Tech deserved to be in this game. Please don't get me wrong, they almost certainly didn't. But while the fuss raised by certain sportswriters (Looking at you, Forde) may be justified, I'm shocked that no one is complaining about Michigan's presence in this game. At least Virginia Tech was in their conference championship game. Heck, if you want to split hairs, Virginia Tech's losses both came to the conference champion, 1 team that figured out a way to (badly) beat the Hokies. Michigan didn't play their conference champion. I'm just throwing that out there.

Both teams use a strong ground game, though Virginia Tech has a traditional attack using David Wilson at running back, while Michigan uses their quick and agile quarterback Denard Robinson. Neither team is exactly intimidating through the air, ranking 66th (Tech) and 90th (Michigan) in passing yardages. The teams are 8th and 9th in scoring defense, and they actually look pretty dang similar on paper. All told, this should be a good game.

Pick: Virginia Tech's got some fast corners and good linebackers who should be able to contain (not stop, but at least slow down) Robinson. If the Hokies can force him to throw, the game will be in the bag for Tech. The wildcard on the other side of the ball is Logan Thomas, Virginia Tech's QB who is a very large man, but who is also only a sophomore. He's been good in some games this year, he's been bad in others, and he's got to be sharp because Michigan will score with Robinson, and Tech has to keep pace. Either way, this game should be fun and (hopefully) better than the bloodbaths both teams suffered last season.

Discover Orange Bowl, January 4, 2011:

#15 Clemson vs. #23 West Virginia

Breakdown: The Big East champion is at least ranked this year, which is fairly remarkable since it seemed no one actually wanted to win that conference this season. West Virginia is actually the perfect representative for the Big East: undefeated against miserable nonconference foes, took a crushing loss to the good nonconference opponent, and performed relatively adequately in the conference. Clemson, on the other hand, had an excellent un-Clemson-like start, and then they turned back into Clemson in November. After smashing Virginia Tech in the title game, Clemson looks to end the season on a high note. There's not much more to add.

Pick: Clemson. The ACC isn't exactly great competition, but at least it ain't the Big East. The two teams are virtually identical in the points for/points against categories, but Clemson put together those stats against superior competition. WVU's only saving grace is this: they have the #7 pass attack in the nation and Clemson's pass defense is 39th. Frankly, I don't think it's enough.

So there you have it. After my disastrously bad January 2nd picks, I probably should have listened to my gut and then done the opposite of what my gut said. Even so, the coming days are a real make or break time for the ACC's football reputation. Should be a good time.

Bowl Preview: January 2

We've arrived at the still-largely-meaningless-but-at-least-moderately-entertaining bowls! Much like the previous post, this will be short and sweet. OK, short and bitter. Let's go!

#19 Houston/#22 Penn State: Ladies and gentlemen, here you have it--the first ranked bowl matchup of this postseason comes a full 2 weeks into bowl season. It features a team that played no one and a team that spent the entire last half of the season mired in the worst scandal college football has seen since the late 1980s. What fun. Guess I need to throw up some analysis. Uhh, Houston has only one loss and it came to the lone team they played with an OK defense. For all their faults, Penn State has a good defense. Pick: Penn State

Ohio State/Florida: Yeah, these two teams have slid very far downhill, as ESPN has helpfully pointed out roughly 9 billion times by this point. Hope Ohio State enjoys this one, since they won't be bowling next year thanks to the NCAA's nifty "delayed action" punishment policy that's worked so well at Southern Cal. Gah, this game is so mediocre that even a USC joke can't spice up the preview. Pick: Ohio State, because the bowl committees decided to prove that the SEC is the dominant conference by giving them the easiest bowl schedule this side of their nonconference schedule, and I'd like nothing more for every SEC team to get destroyed to prove the ludicrous stupidity of Alabama (not LSU, their nonconference schedule was legit) in the national title game. My picks don't show that, but that's because I'm still in the hunt to win the pick competition. (PS: Don't you dare watch a second of this football game. There are going to be 3 other, better, games going on at the same time.)

#17 Michigan State/#16 Georgia: MSU again fell just short of the BCS. Georgia recovered from early season letdowns to become a pretty darn good team. All told, this game should be better than the last game MSU played against an SEC foe. Then again (and if you clicked that link you already know this), it couldn't get much worse. Pick: Georgia. It'll be closer than last time, that doesn't mean Michigan State will win.

#20 Nebraska/#9 South Carolina: One reason I'm a major proponent of a playoff with a first round home game is due to climate. Look at a map. Nebraska is a relatively far-north state, with a cold climate, strong winds, and relatively frequent snowstorms. Football teams from Nebraska have to be built to withstand such conditions. South Carolina is a southern state with mild winters, calm breezes, and a long history of racism very little inclement weather (no, hurricanes don't count, they cancel football games when those come through, thanks). South Carolina's football teams are built for that sort of climate. This game is being played in Florida. Florida is a southern state with mild winters, calm breezes, and very little inclement weather. Gee, which of those teams do these conditions favor? Pick: If you have to look at this, clearly you didn't read the rest of this game's preview. Or just click the dang link to the predictions.

#10 Wisconsin/#5 Oregon: This game bears a ton of similarities to the previous game I posted about. Oregon isn't a southern state and I have no idea what the climate's like, but they're a team built for speed and they're playing in lovely (if a bit warm) conditions. Wisconsin is still a bruising run team built for midwestern winters. The Pac-10 and the Big-10 met in the Rose Bowl 7 times between 2000 and 2010, and the Pac-10 won 5 of those games. Climate (and cheating on Southern Cal's part) played a huge role in that lopsided decade. Expect more of the same here. Pick: Oregon's speed blows past trudging Wisconsin.

#4 Stanford/#3 Oklahoma State: I'm riding high on my correct prediction that Baylor/Washington would end with 100+ points, so I'll make another one: this game will have a total of fewer than 60 (Current over/under is 74!). Yes, both teams throw up points aplenty, but they're coming off long breaks and their offenses both heavily depend on planning and timing. Look for a relatively defensive game, similar to what we got in last year's national title match. Pick: Oklahoma State should be in the title game, if only in the name of giving us something that wasn't a rematch. No, I don't think they'd win that one, and I don't think they'll win this either. I've fired off many hateful missives about the Cowpokes' lack of defense this season, and I'll not back down now. Stanford wins because OSU can't stop Andrew Luck.

That's all for January 2nd! Come back tomorrow for the ACC BCS Blog Blowout Bash! It will be long and angry and nonsensical!

Bowl Preview: December 30-31, 2011

Travelling through the Christmas holiday doesn't lend itself well to the lifestyle of a celebrity blogger (shut up, I am!) This is being posted on a barely functioning cell phone as I sit in a Texas Roadhouse in Knoxville, Tennessee. Because I love you, dear readers. It's gonna be short. Very short:

December 30 Bowls:
BYU/Tulsa: BYU wins
Iowa State/Rutgers: Rutgers, based on better defensive stats. I'm hesitant to have picked any Big East teams.
Mississippi State/Wake Forest: Mississippi State, especially after seeing Wake get killed by Vandy earlier in the year.
Iowa/Oklahoma: Oklahoma wins anotherone of these bowls with a ranked team playing an unranked one.

December 31:
Texas A&M/Northwestern: A&M leaves the Big 12 with a win.
Georgia Tech/Utah: Georgia Tech runs (hahaitisapun) over Utah.
Cincy/Vandy: Yes, I will take a Big East team over an SEC school. Only with this combo, though. Cincinnati wins.
UCLA/Illinois: No one wins, the audience loses.
UVa/Auburn: Auburn closes the year the way they opened it, with a win. UVa sucks.

And that's all for 2011! See you all in the new year! Enjoy the celebration and don't blow off too many fingers...

Bowl Preview: December 26-29

Merry Christmas (or time thereabouts), dear readers. It is time to run down the second set of bowl games, inconsequential though they are. Because the bowls were forced to split up between December 30 and 31st and January 2nd (Thanks, NFL. I'd hate for college football to have a tradition that lasts. You guys enjoy your prima donnas and their mic hogging antics), those days will get their own entries. This post will tackle the last round of utterly meaningless bowls, providing a convenient segue to December 29, when we get to watch the mostly meaningless bowls!

December 26, 2011

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl

Missouri vs. North Carolina

Breakdown: Ugh. Missouri and UNC got here by being only slightly better than mediocre. Two 7-5 teams from AQ conferences battling it out in a bowl that will feature some future NFL players. Mind you that whole "We have more draft picks than you" line is the sort of thing that Miami fans say while condoling themselves that their players are "better" because they will play in the NFL. That's great, they still haven't beaten Virginia Tech since 2008. What was this post about? Oh, right, this bowl that no one's going to watch.

Should I watch this game? If you're a Carolina fan and you want me to stop making fun of you, sure. I actually would like to see what the numbers are on how many people watch this game and how many people watch the Tar Heel basketball team pummel Elon on the 29th. I'd be willing to bet the numbers are similar. Also, Mizzou fans should watch this because there's nothing else to do the day after Christmas but fight the return lines. If you don't fall into those categories, then just go out and fight the return lines...

Blogger's Pick: Mizzou, based solely on their competition. The teams' scoring defenses have identical numbers, but Carolina plays in the ACC, while Mizzouri plays in the offense-laden Big 12. I'll give the Tigers the nod for now.

December 27, 2011

Little Caesars Bowl

Western Michigan vs. Purdue

Breakdown: 7-5 MAC team against a 6-6 Big 10 team? Wow. People were knocking the FIU/Marshall game as the worst of the season, but I think this one gives it a run for its money.

Should I watch this game? No. It's 4:30, and it's a Tuesday game. Most of you will be returning to work, is it really worth getting fired or fussed at to watch this game?

Blogger's Pick: Yeesh, do I have to? Fine, I pick Purdue. They beat some stronger (I guess) teams. Purdue beat 2 bowl bound teams, which is 2 more than Western Michigan.

Belk Bowl

Louisville vs. NC State

Breakdown: Basically the same as the above summary of the Mizzou/UNC game, minus the "future NFL prospects" line and the weird rant about Miami. Short version is that we have another matchup of 7-5 teams that wouldn't be happening if we had a decent number of bowls and/or a playoff.

Should I watch this game? Eh...it's entertainment after what could be a long day of work. Sure, go ahead, just don't expect world beating football.

Blogger's Pick: Louisville is a team on the up and up. 2 years ago they were 4-8. Last year they were 7-6, and this year they could go 8-5. Charlie Strong's building a very good team in Louisville, and the Cardinals could easily be a threat next season not just in the Big East, but on the national level as well.

December 28, 2011

Military Bowl--Presented by Northrop Grumman

Toledo vs. Air Force

Breakdown: Two non-AQ teams meet in an intriguing matchup. Air Force runs the ball in an option that's second only to Army's in rush yards. Toledo's offense is pretty well balanced, and they can score points in bundles, but their defenses are both sort of "eh." There should be points, if you're into that sort of thing.

Should I watch this game? Regular readers know that I love watching the option, so I'd recommend it for that reason alone. If you want a more in-depth reason, the pairing of Air Force's #2 rush offense against Toledo's #28 rush defense has potential to be intriguing. Again, though, mid-day game during the week, so you may want to just TiVo this one.

Blogger's Pick: Should be close, very much has the potential to be a tossup. Let's go with Air Force in this one, I think their rushing attack can get it done in the end.

Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl

California vs. #24 Texas

Breakdown: Almost every preview of this game I've read has said something about how both these teams had "disappointing seasons." Now, that certainly holds true for the Gator Bowl's Ohio State/Florida matchup, but I'm not sure if it applies to both of these schools. Really, how many times have we thought of Cal as a legitimate threat in the Pac-10/12? They live perpetually under the shadow of USC, and now they have to compete with Oregon and Stanford. Heck, they usually have to compete with mid-level teams like Washington and UCLA to even make a bowl game. Taking that into consideration, this wasn't disappointing for the Golden Bears. Texas...yeah, they've gotten used to good seasons, but they came back from a 5-7 year last year, so it isn't all bad. At least the record's improving.

Should I watch this game? Sure. Nothing too egregious or boring here. Not great teams, not terrible either. Solidly in the middle. That, and this Holiday Bowl isn't a Washington/Nebraska match, meaning it's at least something different.

Blogger's Pick: I'm not sure I've gotten a Texas game right all year. They very well may have cost me the win in our picks competition, and I'm not 100% positive on who to pick on this one. I'll go with some logic: the top few teams of the Pac-12 was quite good. The bottom half was utterly awful. The Big 12 looked better all season top-to-bottom, so I'll go with the Big 12 team: Texas wins because their running game slows stuff down. No confidence behind that pick.

December 29, 2011

Champs Sports Bowl

Notre Dame vs. Florida State

Breakdown: Notre Dame makes the second stop on their "once relevant schools from Florida" tour, which pitted the Irish against Miami (Still not in a bowl this season. Can't emphasize that enough.) last year and takes them against the Seminoles this season. At least Florida State doesn't still entertain delusions of grandeur. Both schools had seasons that bear little to no mention, except to say that they both failed to live up to the "We're back!" expectations of their fan bases. Sorry to waste your time.

Should I watch this? Oh, why not? Both teams seem to be improving, and they might actually be back next season. You heard it hear first: a noncommittal statement by a man who is frequently wrong.

Blogger's Pick: As mediocre as they've been in recent years, the Florida State Seminoles still play dang fine defense. This year they have the #4 scoring defense in the country, and I can't bet against that.

Valero Alamo Bowl

Washington vs. #12 Baylor

Breakdown: Washington finds itself again matched up against a ranked Big 12 foe. Hey, it worked well for them last time. Neither team has a really jaw-dropping record, but Baylor's incredible quarterback Robert Griffin III took home the Heisman this year, thereby proving that the committee can, on occasion, get things right and not just hand the thing to whichever quarterback ESPN christens as the Heisman winner in September. Good on you, Downtown Athletic Club.

Should I watch this game? If you have any doubt on why Robert Griffin was chosen, then yes. The man is an awesome football player. If you like high scoring football, you might want to tune in, too. Baylor's offense is a high-powered attack, and Washington's defense is pretty bad. Washington's offense isn't superpowered, but Baylor's defense is even worse than Washington's. Points aplenty in all likelihood.

Blogger's Pick: Ignoring the "Heisman curse" and other such nonsense, I'm going to go against my usual grain and pick the stronger offense: Baylor wins in a game with more than 100 combined points.

That's all for this round. I'll be back with the big days soon! Until then, enjoy your time off! Current bowl picks standing: 4-3.

Bowl Preview 2011: Week One (Late Edition)

As is my misguided custom, the time has arrived once more for me to predict college football's postseason games.

So there's 35 bowls and only one that matters. It's not the most pleasant of postseasons, but hey, at least we get more college football, much of it consisting of teams we haven't gotten to see all season. The only problem is, some of those teams have stayed under the radar for a freakin' reason.

Let's put that another way: I'm posting this late, as the 2nd of the 35 bowls is already rolling. So the first 3 games won't be on this list because it'd be stupid for me to write a "prediction" about something that's already happened/is happening. Now, ask yourself, if I hadn't admitted to skipping the first three, would you have noticed? If you answered "yes," then why aren't you a writer on our blog?

OK, enough intro, let's get to the rambling!

December 20, 2011

Beef 'o' Brady's Bowl St. Petersburg

Florida International vs. Marshall

Breakdown: If you need proof that there's too many dang bowls, look no further. FIU at least has the record to deserve a bowl game (an 8-4 record compared to Marshall's 6-6) but I don't think that anyone outside of Huntington and Miami is clamoring for tickets. Admittedly, FIU is in a bowl, unlike another school from Miami I could mention...

Enough rambling, though, let's analyze the matchup. FIU is a team whose only salient statistical characteristic is their scoring defense, which is 16th in the country. That's better than Marshall, which has no salient statistical category. Some might argue that's because Marshall is in a better conference. I'm gonna argue it's because they're a mediocre team.

Should I watch this? Not really. Get some last second Christmas shopping done.

Blogger's Pick: Florida International. Defense uber alles.

December 21, 2011

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl

#18 TCU vs. Louisiana Tech

Breakdown: Using the final BCS standings as our measuring stick, this is the first of seven bowls matching an unranked team with a ranked one. Because, y'know, that's the purpose of the bowl system, to give us the sort of matchups we all got sick of in September. I digress. It's been a down year for TCU, but they do have a critical win over Boise State that locked the Broncos out of the BCS. TCU's two losses were very close games, and the result is that they get locked in what has typically been a bowl given as cold comfort to its participants. Louisiana Tech started out extraordinarily slow and worked their way to a respectable 8-4 season.

Should I watch this game? Yeah, sure. Louisiana Tech has the potential to pull off an exciting upset, or TCU could win by 40. Might as well watch and find out.

Blogger's Pick: Louisiana State won the WAC the year after Boise State finally moved out. TCU beat Boise State. I'm going with the latter. TCU wins in a bloodbath.

December 22, 2011

MAACO Bowl Las Vegas

Arizona State vs. #7 Boise State

Breakdown: More than the BCS ever will be, this right here is proof of college football elitism. Boise State is a one loss team from a minor conference that stumbled once against their only realistic competition for the conference title. Arizona State is a team from a major conference that hasn't won a game since October 29, and hasn't beaten a team with a winning record since October 8. And they're in the same bowl. Yeah, you have fun unraveling that. ASU's offense is probably on par with Boise's, when you consider their quality of competition, but the Arizona State defense has been pretty porous. Oh, and ASU fired their coach well before this game. That won't help.

Should I watch this game? Yeah, it's Kellen Moore's last. Watch it and applaud what might be the last game for one of the best "little guy" QB's ever.

Blogger's Pick: I hope their placement here made Boise mad: Broncos win in a runaway.

December 24, 2011

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl

Nevada vs. #21 Southern Miss

Breakdown: Nevada opened up with a slew of 3 tough teams in their first four games. Aaaaaand they lost all 3 to open the season 1-3. Then they won 5 straight, then lost 2 of their last 3 before smashing Idaho in the season finale. Southern Miss was simply "the other" team in Conference USA behind Houston, until they met the Cougars in the C-USA championship and beat them. Southern Miss is well-rounded, pairing their high scoring with good defense. Nevada runs out of the pistol, leading to middling scoring stats, but shortening the game. This actually has potential to be a pretty good ball game.

Should I watch this game? Yes. Should be close, and this may be the most interesting matchup of the first bowl week. Don't stay up too late, mind you, or Santa will skip your house.

Blogger's pick: When in doubt, pick the team with a better defense. Southern Miss takes the win.

That's all for week one! Come back later to mock the foolishness of these picks!

Saturday in Review 11/12/11

I have a totally legitimate reason for this week's shorter-than-average post.

*LSU and 'Bama looked fairly dopey in the first half of their games. No offense to the literally hundreds of articles on the Internet that claim they were "recovering" from their matchup last week, but if that were the case they'd have struggled the whole game. It doesn't make any sense to say that it required six days plus thirty minutes of football to recover. No, this was just a case of teams slacking off against largely inferior foes. Both squads pulled away in the second half, after all.

*Oregon State's offense, which appears to be led by Methuselah, keeps right on clicking. I don't want to take away anything from this team, I really don't, but does anyone else figure that they might have an advantage, what with a quarterback that's at least five years older than everyone else on the field? I'm not talking about his NFL prospects (I couldn't care less about those) but I'm just saying that having an older QB does confer an advantage. The only other example I can think of off the top of my head is Chris Weinke, but I'm sure there's others. Feel free to help me out (or call me an idiot) in the comments section.

*Oregon takes down Stanford again, and the Best Quarterback Evar didn't look so hot in the process. Still got him pegged as the Heisman winner, provided he doesn't lay another egg. Oregon has inexplicably reentered the talk of the national title game. But if I don't want a 'Bama/LSU rematch (and I don't), then I sure as heck don't want a rematch of a much less entertaining LSU/Oregon game from earlier in the season. (Yes, I assume LSU will go undefeated. Secretly I hope that's wrong, too.) Changes to teams be danged, every squad only gets a maximum of 14 games a year, and we don't need out-of-conference rematches in a sport with 120 teams and a 70 team postseason!

*If you haven't heard, another Boise State kicker missed another field goal and sent the team out of the BCS for the second straight year. Here's the thing: mock the kicker if you must, but putting a game as team-oriented as football in the hands of a single player is an indictment of the whole team, not just the kicker. The kicker didn't allow 36 points at home. Also TCU isn't bad, so Boise can cling to the fact that they only lose to good teams...

*Elsewhere in the non-AQ category, Houston steamrolled another hapless conference foe. I'm seriously going to be a Southern Miss fan if Houston and Southern Miss meet in the Conference USA championship game. Because, frankly, I believe that if Houston runs the table and goes to the BCS, we're gonna see a repeat of Hawaii/Georgia.

*Virginia Tech is a game away from taking a trip to the ACC Championship game for a (sigh) rematch with Clemson. Beating UNC this week is critical for the Hokies, but they also have to take down rival Virginia to earn a trip to Charlotte. At least one side of the ACC is up for grabs, what with Clemson clinching this week in a surprisingly close win over Wake Forest. Congrats to the Tigers.

*Texas A&M played Kansas State close in yet another example of K-State playing well above its ability. Oh, it was also an example of why college overtime is simultaneously awesome and idiotic: Yes, 4 OTs is a very cool, edge-of-your-seat thing to see. It's also why both teams scored nearly half their points in overtime: because the field is too dang short.

*Auburn will hopefully go back to being unranked. A 45-7 drubbing by Georgia might actually convince voters that the Tigers aren't the same team as last year's title winners. Well, for a week at least...

*Missouri sent Texas crashing back to Earth. It'll be interesting to see how the Longhorns do against Kansas State this weekend. One thing's for certain: Mack Brown can get away with a performance like this for maybe one more season. Texas is probably the richest football recruiting ground in the country, the school has its own network, and they're tied for fourth in their 10 team conference. Not good.

*West Virginia defeats Cincinnati to plunge the Big East further into the mire. The Big East is falling apart off the field, and it's sort of funny that it seems no one wants to win what could be the last Big East football championship.

*Baylor needed overtime to beat Kansas? Now that's the Baylor I know and love...OK, the Baylor I know and ignore...

And now Tales from the Bottom 95

Toledo and Western Michigan played a game that ended 66-63. Last time their basketball programs played, the final score was 73-60...Louisville's coach blamed his team's loss to Pitt on Call of Duty. You can't make this stuff up...Vandy smashed Kentucky. That's bad news for the Tennessee Volunteers, who have to figure out a way to beat Vandy and Kentucky to make a bowl...Eastern Michigan is nearly bowl eligible, just two seasons removed from an 0-12 campaign. Good work, Eagles!...UVa broke their losing streak to Duke...The bottom half of the Pac-12 is simply awful...The once proud Florida State/Miami rivalry devolved into a poorly played festival of turnovers on Saturday...Rutgers took down Army in the battle of the knights...Hawaii fell to Nevada.

That's all for this week! See you next time!

Penn State: An Opinion

Allow me to start by saying that it's impossible to add much to the discussion surrounding Penn State. In the time frame since I started typing this post on Wednesday night, Joe Paterno went from "retiring at the end of the season" to "fired." Events are moving so rapidly that by the time you read this post, it might be laughably out of date. Even so, I feel that it's important for anyone who enjoys sports at any level to get involved in a discussion regarding sports and morality, and if this post starts one of those discussions, then it has accomplished its mission.

First, we must assume that the accused party, Mr. Sandusky, is merely "the accused" until he is proven otherwise. It is nauseating to many that we must do so, but that assumption is what separates the American system of justice from the despotic methods used in other, less-fortunate parts of the world. If we were accused of a crime, we would want a fair trial. Like it or not, Mr. Sandusky is entitled to the same, and we would all do well to remember that, even if he quickly confesses to the crimes of which he has been accused.

What we are witnessing at Penn State is a tragedy for reasons that are utterly unrelated to sports. The victims of these crimes of abuse will bear the emotional scars for the remainder of their lives. Amidst the hullabaloo of coaches and school officials getting fired it's going to be easy to forget that the victims' health cannot, in many cases, ever be fully restored. Regardless of one's feelings regarding Paterno, Sandusky, Penn State, or college football in general, we must not shuffle the victims along like the MacGuffins in a sordid tale of corruption at the top. They are human beings, and deserve to be treated as such. Remember that they are the victims of a disturbingly common crime, and that their high-profile case should not serve to mask thousands of others like them who go quietly unnoticed because they are abused by a scoutmaster or sales clerk instead of a football coach.

The sports aspect of the story goes far deeper, I believe, than anyone cares to recognize. We accept that our sports culture, especially that of college football, is one that is tainted. Scandals at major universities throughout the nation defined this offseason, and each was treated by fans with the knowing sigh of a man walking down a well-tread path. We laugh, joke, prod, and kid about the infidelities of these institutions, as though corruption and dishonesty are just little sideshows we must endure between games. I confess that I have taken this attitude, and in retrospect it sickens me that I, that we, could be so flippant. Accepting dirtiness is what led us here. Believing that college football would always be a look-the-other way culture has enabled the permanent scarring of dozens of children in Pennsylvania. Taking minor violations as "facts of life" in sports has come back to kick us between the teeth.

Football fans move on quickly. I guess it's the nature of the fast-paced game, coupled with a 24-hour sports media that bombards us with every story until we're sick of it. We will, as fans of the game, move on from this grim milestone. Joy will return to Happy Valley and to college football in general, but with that joy should come wisdom. This is our opportunity to make something positive of this tragedy, to stop shrugging off minor violations, to stop turning our heads from truths we don't want to see, and to make the sport something we can enjoy without having to feel guilty about it later.

Let's make the most of that opportunity.

Saturday in Review 10/29/11

A good weekend of football to be certain! Fair warning: anyone caught using many days late Halloween puns in the comments section will be shot.

Baylor-24, #3 Oklahoma State-59

I've said it before and I'll say it again: jump on the Oklahoma State bandwagon at your own peril. I am legitimately curious to see how well this team will perform when it runs up against a good defense. The Big 12 really seems to be the conference of the glass cannon; every team in the league seems to be capable of posting huge numbers of points while allowing equally huge numbers of points. Oklahoma State has allowed at least 24 points in all but one of its games.

Yes, most of those opposing teams' points came late, but Oklahoma State has yet to play the best defensive team in their conference: the rival Oklahoma Sooners, and defense still trumps offense. Assuming that the Cowboys get through their remaining schedule and the Sooners, it's highly likely they'd have to play LSU or Alabama in the national title game. Regular readers note that I always pick defense over offense, especially in bowls. Therefore, if it comes down to Oklahoma State vs. SEC champ, I'm taking the SEC team all the way. (Especially if it's Alabama and their under-a-touchdown-allowed-per-game scoring defense.)

And Baylor...well, at least they're not getting laughed at anymore. Sure, they're an even more extreme example of imbalance than the Oklahoma State team cited above (Baylor's stats: 9th best scoring offense in the country, 115th scoring defense), but at least the Bears aren't the Big 12's doormat anymore! That's Kansas's job...

#5 Clemson-17, Georgia Tech-31

Virtually every fanbase whose team has not lived up to past glory has a set of fans who choose to live in the past. Miami fans still think it's the '80s, Notre Dame fans still think it's the '70s, Virginia Tech fans are starting to become entrenched in 1999, and Clemson fans are locked in their nuclear fallout shelters with "Vote for Reagan" slogans and anti-Soviet propaganda decorating the walls around their "Tigers: 1981 National Champs" poster. This season seemed like it could be the year that Clemson fans got to update their calendars, but alas, it was not to be.

Clemson struggled to defend the option, which is sort of mind-blowing when you consider how well Miami and UVa did just that in the previous two weeks. The Georgia Tech defense played well, and Clemson just couldn't get anything going it seemed. Near-comebacks were cut short by defensive stands and turnovers, and the ACC faded out of the national championship race once again. Don't get me wrong, this wasn't totally unexpected. Once Clemson hammered beat Virginia Tech, this was supposed to be the matchup to decide which ACC school got to compete for a title. Then Georgia Tech stumbled along the way, meaning that they could do little but spoil Clemson's national title hopes. Which they did.

Ah well, that's ACC football. Let's just sit back and enjoy it, take some time to watch more madness unfold as one team (likely still Clemson) plays its way to a BCS bowl and the other 11 sort of squabble for the other bowl slots the conference gets. Those of us who love football will shake our heads and stare. My friends who are Carolina fans are already counting the days to basketball season. What fun.

#6 Stanford-56, USC-48 (3OT)

Alright, before we go any further, I want you to read this previous post. Go ahead, I'll wait.

There. Now I don't have to go on a rant against overtime. I do have to gripe, however, about Southern California's presence in the non-essential AP rankings. Why were the Trojans ranked 20th? They have beaten precisely one decent nonconference foe, and precisely zero decent conference foes. Look at the record: a 2 point win against the worst team in the Big 10, a drubbing of a mediocre team in the worst AQ conference, and 3 in-conference wins against teams which are all 1-4 or 1-5 in the Pac-12. Aside from a good win on the road against Notre Dame, the Trojans did absolutely nothing of note until this Saturday, when they took Heisman winner (it's OK, just accept it) Andrew Luck and the Cardinal into OT. Now that I've made my case that Southern Cal isn't very good (and they aren't), let's extrapolate:

Stanford could be in real trouble here. They will likely smash Oregon State this weekend, but their game against Oregon looms large as the deciding factor in which team will go to the Pac-12 championship. Right now, it's tough to see the Cardinal winning that one. But no worries, Luck has ESPN on his side and a catchy last name, so unless Stanford loses 2 of its remaining 4 games, he'll still going to win the Heisman.

Side note: Mad props to Lane Kiffin for criticizing the officiating in Saturday's game. I detest Southern Cal, but I detest bad officiating more, especially since it is the root cause of my Southern Cal hatred. Oh, and they fined Kiffin $10,000 for being a critic, which is wrong but also kinda funny. I assume Tennessee and/or the Ghost of Al Davis was involved.

Washington State-28, #7 Oregon-43

Sweet, an easy one. Oregon crushed th--Oh what the heck?! How was this game this close? Maybe that Oregon/Stanford game will be good after all.

#9 Oklahoma-58, #8 Kansas State-17

Kansas State, meet reality. Reality, Kansas State. OK, good that you've been introduced, that will really help save time.

OU should do pretty well with its remaining schedule up until the big game with Oklahoma State. Kansas State has a chance to play spoiler against OSU, but the Wildcats had been playing beyond their ability all season long. We may be in for a Wisconsin-style slide from this team.

#10 Arkansas-31, Vandy-28

Arkansas really shouldn't have won this game. They shouldn't have been in it, and without a freak 94 yard fumble return for a touchdown, this game would have ended up being something like 35-24 Vandy. As it stands, Arkansas is looking much more mediocre than they should be, but if Sports Illustrated is to be believed, then the whole SEC is mediocre aside from #1 and #2. I don't think it's as bad as the article makes it sound, but games like these certainly make the case that the top of the SEC isn't quite as dominant as it has been in recent years.

#11 Michigan State-3, #14 Nebraska-24

MSU came out and did...well, nothing. This was a hideous offensive performance and it can be credited as much to incompetence as to Nebraska's defense. Don't get me wrong, the Huskers ran well and the Spartans had trouble against the Blackshirts, but if it was only Nebraska's defense slowing MSU down then the score would have been closer. It seems that Michigan State is in very real danger of repeating last season's theme: spoiling things for schools in their conference, but stumbling into a tie with the conference leaders. Look for MSU to make another glorious trip to the Champs Sports Bowl or something similar.

Nebraska's still in the hunt for the division title of what I will call the "West" division of the Big 10, and it looks like their November 19 game with Michigan will determine the winner of that branch of the Big However Many We Have. Provided, of course, that Michigan doesn't pull their now-annual yearly fall-apart routine.

#12 Virginia Tech-14, Duke-10

I really hope this is Tech underestimating Duke. Because, frankly, about 115 of the D1 teams out there would have beaten Tech the way they played this weekend. But many smashed soda cans and a few curse words later on my end, the Hokies emerged with a narrow win over one of the worst teams in the ACC. They'd best get their stuff together in the next week, or the Thursday game against Georgia Tech will be an uglier version of the GT/Clemson score above.

Also: Duke is going to have real trouble making a bowl, but they're not out of it yet.

#13 South Carolina-14, Tennessee-3

The Vols defense is just about where it needs to be. They have to start playing solid D for 4 quarters, but the defense is there. The offense? Not so much. Even with Tyler Bray at the helm, the Vols were racking up points against largely inferior competition. They always seem to have a front-loaded schedule, though, which is a product of the bygone era when Tennessee was a national power. Things will get easier for everyone's favorite band of Knoxvillians, provided that they survive to late November.

South Carolina's in trouble, though. They're clinging to a high ranking for another week, but the game against Arkansas will be a real test of whether or not they can beat a good opponent without Marcus Lattimore. We shall see...

#15 Wisconsin-29, Ohio State-33

If I were Wisconsin's coach, my secondary would be running up and down stairways reciting the play-by-play calls of the two Hail Marys that have beaten the Badgers in back to back weeks. There's no excuse to get burned twice in a row like that, especially in scenarios when you know the opponent's throwing deep! Yes, it was 2 fluke plays in a row, but those 2 plays have turned Wisconsin from undefeated title contender to barely ranked also-ran.

Also, congrats to Ohio State on winning a big game. Now, go back to obscurity. We'll call you if we need you to upset Michigan or something.

Missouri-38, #16 Texas A&M-31

Analogy time! 2nd half : Texas A&M lead :: crowbar : kneecap

I don't think this requires any further explanation.

Rice-34, #17 Houston-73

Congrats to Houston's Case Keenum for taking the all-time TD record. Good job! Also, your strength of schedule is pathetic and your team will get destroyed the second it encounters a semi-competent defense. OK, bye!

Purdue-14, #18 Michigan-36

Purdue exists to defeat one ranked foe per year. This year it was Illinois, so Michigan got a free pass here. I'm curious to see if Michigan can beat Iowa this weekend, or if their 3-1 conference record is a result of playing 3 of the worst 4 teams in the Big 10 and one decent one. My bet is...well, you already know what my bet is.

Illinois-7, #19 Penn State-10

This wasn't so much good defense as "our offenses don't work really well in a snowstorm." The result is a game with literally 3 highlights: 2 TDs and a field goal. I'm all for low-scoring games, but not when they're incompetently played. Penn State is currently ranked much higher than they should be. However, JoePa did get the D-1 record for coaching wins, thereby surpassing Methuselah for that coveted title.

Iowa State-41, #20 Texas Tech-7

Texas Tech served its purpose last week. The team's entire season led up to that splendid victory in Norman, which has been followed by this debacle. Iowa State hammered Tech from beginning to end, and I can't put a silver lining on it because there isn't one. This isn't so much a "hangover" game as it is a "we're still drunk on victory, so much so we might have to go to the emergency room" game.

Colorado-14, #21 Arizona State-48

Very few things are consistent in this crazy world. But you can set your watch by Colorado football, ever since the 2006 season. I kinda wonder, now that conference expansion/realignment is well and proper nuts, if the Pac-12 regrets adding Colorado. Not Utah, yet. The Utes were in a non-major conference and they're in the process of building up a team. Colorado, meanwhile, has been in a major conference since at least 1982 and they're not competitive. The Pac-12 probably wishes they'd held out for a more Pacific-area team, like West Virginia or Miami...

Arizona State? Eh, it's so hard to tell about teams in the lowest 5 slots of the top 25. The Sun Devils' loss to Illinois looks worse by the week, but the only other team to beat them was a home-standing Oregon squad. Because ASU plays some seriously bad competition in their final 3 weeks, it looks as though the Pac-12's championship game will be our next opportunity to see how good/bad the Sun Devils are.

#22 Georgia-24, Florida-20

So, does Florida's climb to #12 in the rankings playing the likes of UAB seem silly to anyone else now after they went 0 for October? I thought so!

Georgia, meanwhile, has pretty much saved their coach's job. Richt seems like a nice enough fellow, but he'd best start competing for SEC Championships if he wants to keep his job for a long time. That may not be a fair expectation of anyone, but it's the way things are in Athens.

Ole Miss-23, #23 Auburn-41

Ole Miss coach Houston Nutt is going to be fired. He needs to start doing outlandish things to entertain us before his coaching career in Oxford ends. Kick punts on 2nd down! Fire live ammunition skyward to signal playcalls! Run over the opposing coach with a car on the field. That's what I'm talking about.

Auburn, meanwhile, is still riding high (OK, not high, but they're still ranked) based on the strength of their national championship last year. The Tigers really aren't the 23rd best team in the country, the computers just have a machine crush on them.

Kansas-0, #24 Texas-43

Kansas is awful. Texas still isn't that great and their personal propaganda network has benefited them about as much as Notre Dame's private deal with NBC has helped the Fighting Irish. That is all.

#25 West Virginia-41, Rutgers-31

Sadly, the return of Eric LeGrand didn't lift Rutgers to the victory they wanted over West Virginia, but for me (and many others) seeing LeGrand on the field again was the highlight of this game. Keep getting better, young man.

And now Tales from the Bottom 95

NC State has been really bad in the ACC this year...Syracuse smashed the Big East's lone ranked team last week and then went out and lost to Louisville...UNC dashed Wake Forest upon the rocks of reality...Again...Mississippi State beat Kentucky in a battle of unranked SEC teams. Hooray?...Notre Dame beat the snot out of Navy, so I guess one aspect of college football's back to normal...and poor Ol' Hawaii had to travel to Idaho. Yeah, think about that the next time you complain about going anywhere.

That's all for this week! See you next time!

Saturday in Review 10/8/11

Just some notes of note (hardy har har...)

*The Virginia Tech/Miami game was really, really good. But don't take my word for it! Check out Lane Stadium before the final play. That, ladies and gents, is why I love college football, and the Hokies in particular. Good game by Miami, and a good win for Tech. High fives all around.

*Boise doesn't get the hype this season that they did last season, but they've steamrolled basically everyone except Georgia. Problem is that won't impress voters enough come bowl season without something seriously weird happening.

*Speaking of seriously weird, Wake Forest? 3-0 in conference play?! That's really great for the Deacs, but probably bad for the conference. My logic on that? Well, the year Wake won the ACC featured the single lowest-rated BCS bowl in history. So, yeah...

*Alabama and LSU have been rolling. Let's just see if that continues. If it does, we're in for a treat November 5.

*Oklahoma State and Houston, to me, seem to be kindred spirits. Namely, these are teams that put up flat-out gaudy numbers on offense, but they have little in the way of defense. Sure, OSU allows most of its points late, but they're gonna eventually run into a game where the whole team has to play 4 full quarters. They beat Texas A&M by a point, and I think it's safe to say that OSU will run into a better opponent than the Aggies somewhere along the line, specifically on December 3 when they play their rivals. Houston, meanwhile, should rip their way through their conference, gather some buzz, then play a decent team in a bowl game and get thrashed. Just like 2 years ago...

*Clemson keeps rolling along in the ACC. It's hard to see a significant obstacle between them and their October 29 showdown with Georgia Tech. Heck, that could easily be part 1 of a 2 part battle for the ACC. Clemson's other major obstacle this season is an out-of-conference game against South Carolina to end the season.

*Nebraska's comeback to beat Ohio State was quite good. Just sayin'.

*South Carolina found a suitable replacement for Stephen Garcia. At least, they think they did. They were playing Kentucky, so it's hard to tell. Either way, Garcia is off the team. Adjust your "player most likely to get arrested" fantasy roster accordingly!

*Texas A&M narrowly avoided a 3rd straight 2nd half collapse. Congrats?

Tales from the Bottom 95

*Western Kentucky and MTSU fought out a great battle on Thursday night. Just erase the names and you could make a case that it was game of the year!

*Carolina put away Louisville in a jaw-droppingly boring game.

*Minnesota...very bad at football right now.

*Georgia's recovering well from their slow start. Tennessee still looks mired in mediocrity.

That's all for this week! Hooray!

Extra-late Saturday in Review 10/1/11

The last week around the Bones household has been spent fighting a cold, fighting students, fighting an opposing tennis team, and fighting insanity. At least I'm putting up a fight, unlike a certain maroon and orange wearing team I cheer for...Let's run through the games speedily.

*No comments about the Clemson/Virginia Tech game. I called this thing 2 weeks ago (last week was my bye week for the season), and anyone who pays any attention to football shouldn't have been surprised. Tech's offense is a tire fire: they wouldn't have even scored their measly three points in the 2nd quarter if it weren't for an interception in Clemson's territory. Another year of frustration, and it's about time to ask a horrible question: Will Frank Beamer be the best coach to never win a national title? Right now the answer's a resounding "Probably."

*Serious hat tip to Clemson, the Tigers look like they might break out of their cycle of mediocrity this season. Heck, Clemson fans might even come to terms with the fact that it's no longer 1981 if the team keeps winning! Then they can stay stuck in 2011 for 30 years until the next non-mediocre Clemson team drunkenly stumbles along.

*Why no, I'm not bitter at all.

*Last Thursday, Pitt beat the snot out of South Florida. Looks like the Big East will be West Virginia's conference after all.

*Speaking of the West Virginia Generic Hill People Mascots, West Virginia's really starting to look like a paper tiger. Their big wins have come over vastly inferior teams, they had to clip a mediocre Maryland squad (that then suffered a 38-7 loss to Temple), and they got absolutely hosed (at home) by LSU. So West Virginia is likely on their way to the BCS, but who knows what'll happen once they get there.

*Bama defeated Florida, this time on the Gators' turf. Methinks the Swamp has lost some of its luster in recent years. Also, the Bama victory means that they win the annual "Who will Verne Lundquist inexplicably hype up every freakin' week on CBS" contest! As a result, SEC games not featuring Alabama will still feature at least 1 reference declaring how much better Alabama is than the two teams playing on the field. Gotta love those commentators! Games Alabama loses will be erased from Verne's memory with one of the Men in Black's neuralizers.

*Boise claims vengeance for their loss to Nevada last year...I guess that's news?

*Wisconsin/Nebraska looked good...then the 2nd quarter happened. The Huskers got run over, and Wisconsin has emerged as a potential contender for a national title.

*Auburn upset South Carolina. Stephen Garcia had his 4th straight game with more INTs than TDs. Hard to win like that, even with Spurrier at the helm.

*Texas A&M can't hold onto a lead. That's not really news to anyone who watches college football, but it is worthy of note. A&M hasn't beaten an SEC team since 1995, and they're joining that conference next season. I know things will improve once the Aggies start to play teams lower down the conference ladder, but you still have to think there's some worry in College Station.

*SMU beat TCU at TCU. The Horned Frogs are really far removed from last year's Rose Bowl squad

*Illinois? Still perfect? Heck, beats me, too!

And now, Tales from the Bottom 95

*Penn State just did clip Indiana. I'd say this could be Paterno's last year, but there are sportswriters who wrote that early in their careers who have since died. Paterno's outlived many critics, so I'm not writing anything about his job security. Because I'll almost certainly be wrong.

*Temple followed its beatdown of Maryland with a loss to...Toledo? Heck, I don't know if that's good or bad: Toledo's looked halfway decent this year.

*Wofford beat App State. Just thought I'd put that here for the Boone goons who still think it's 2007.

*In the interest of fairness: A box of kittens could defeat Western Carolina University. This week, however, Furman did the honors, letting the kittens stay home.

*Western Michigan beat UConn. Looooong fall from the top of the Big East thus far for the Huskies.

*Ohio State is feeling the effects of the scandal in full now. Michigan State isn't a slouch team, but losing in the Horseshoe is rough for Ohio State.

*Hawaii had to go to Louisiana Tech this weekend. All apologies to the Warriors.

That's all for this week. Hopefully the next one won't take so long for me to write!

(It will.)

Saturday in Review 9/17/11

It was the first chilly Saturday of the year. It was also the first Saturday with a large number of interesting games. Coincidence? Yeah, probably...

#1 Oklahoma-23, #5 Florida State-13

Allow me to preface this by saying that the ACC had a really good day. Stunningly good, especially compared to the conference's early performances in previous seasons.

That said, the ACC still won't get any national love until they beat a #1 (or at least Top 5) team. Since Virginia Tech has been criminally incapable of doing so, the conference had to pin its hopes on someone else, and Florida State put up a good fight. The game was hard-hitting, defense-oriented football, with the added plot twist of FSU losing their star quarterback E.J. Manuel. At the point Manuel went out, I figured the game was over. Instead, the Seminoles' backup Clint Trickett tossed FSU's lone touchdown of the game and made things interesting for a while. But Oklahoma somehow managed to win a road game, which is only surprising because they seem to play about 1 per year. As a result, the ACC remains a conference that hasn't had a big win in a long time. Look, this was the big game this week, there's not much to add to the dang conversation...

North Texas-0, #2 Alabama-41

I want to write something harsh here about Alabama's nonconference schedule, but they at least had the decency to play Penn State (a semi-good team) last week. We don't know too much about 'Bama yet, but they'll be playing Arkansas and Florida these next two weeks, which should give us an idea of just how good the Tide are. Or should that be Tide is? Heck, I don't know.

What I do know is this: North Texas is still not very good. Big shock there.

#3 LSU-19, #25 Mississippi State-6

It was good to see that some SEC teams still play defense. After watching South Carolina, Georgia, and Auburn demonstrate defensive ineptitude on a grand scale these first few weeks. Mississippi State and LSU put on an excellent defensive show on Thursday night. A few folks might murmur that this was boring, but these people are probably Southern Cal fans, and their opinions won't count again until next year. LSU has looked good, and they should be able to hammer through West Virginia, provided that the couch burners don't pelt the Tigers with flaming upholstery.

#4 Boise State-40, Toledo-15

Boise beats Toledo. Nothing to see here, move along.

#6 Stanford-37, Arizona-10

Stanford has been starting slow this season. The good news for Luck and crew is that they can start as slow as they like for about a month and a half until they play Southern Cal at the Coliseum. They'd best quicken up, though, if they hope to beat the Trojans and the Ducks to take the Pac-12 and get a shot at the national title.

Tangent time! What I want to know is this: Who the heck drew up the Pac-12's divisions?! How did Stanford and Oregon wind up together? For that matter, how did Cal get stuck in that division, too? Meanwhile, perennial conference favorite Southern Cal is in a division with a group of teams that haven't been good in at least 2 years. This is a political move, dang it, to ensure that the Trojans are perpetually in the championship game every year. And I might be the last person in the college football world to have figured this out, but that doesn't make me any less angry about it...

#7 Oklahoma State-59, Tulsa-33

The only truly remarkable part about this game was the amount of time it took before the thing started. The game ended at 3:35am, albeit with the same results it would have had if it'd ended at 3:35pm. Well, maybe fewer fans killed by lightning thanks to the late start. But that's about it.

Good news for football fans, though, we might see one of the last great Big 12 matchups this weekend when OSU plays Texas A&M. Well, that or we'll see a 65-63 game that ESPN will call a "shootout" while I mutter crazily about defenses in next week's post.

#8 Wisconsin-49, Northern Illinois-7

Northern Illinois is better than most non-AQ teams (Well, they were good last season. Every year's a crap shoot with these mid-level teams). It was nice of Wisconsin to play the Huskies at a neutral site, especially considering that the #7 team in the nation boldly plays 4 games away from home this season. Their first true road game is October freakin' twenty-ninth! Please, someone, explain how this is legal! I don't deny that good schools should play their cupcake games at home, but how is it possible for a team to have 7 home games, a neutral site game, and 4 road games?

As it stands, Wisconsin looks to face 2 possible road tests: Ohio State and Illinois. A team devastated by scandal and a team coached by Ron Zook. Have fun in the BCS, Badgers! Better hope you don't play Boise, there, Badgers. You don't do real well against good nonconference teams...

Idaho-7, #9 Texas A&M-37

Speaking of Texas A&M...this game looked like it coul--eh, who am I kidding? We all got what we expected in this one.

Washington-38, #10 Nebraska-51

I've had my fill of Nebraska/Washington games. The Huskers took the rubber match of their three game series, which is something that should only ever be written about baseball. A quick memo to the bowl committees: I do not care what these two teams' records are come December: do not let them play each other again. There's 120 1A teams in college football, no reason 2 of the three should play one another three times in a year outside of conference play...

Navy-21, #11 South Carolina-24

South Carolina has risen to be a top team thanks to a very strong rushing attack led by Marcus Lattimore. That's the good news for the Gamecocks. The bad news is that their defense is in 100th place in terms of scoring defense. South Carolina had best find itself a defense quickly with their SEC schedule starting this week, because there will always be at least one game in that conference wherein a team's defense has to carry an offense that hits a brick wall. Right now, South Carolina's defense couldn't hope to do that. The good news is that SC should have some time to straighten things out; even though they're in the mighty SEC, they don't play a currently ranked team until November 5th. Beware of Vandy, though (and I say that only half sarcastically, because the 'Dores are 3-0...)

Arkansas State-7, #12 Virginia Tech-26

What I have learned from Virginia Tech football thus far this season:

1) The defense appears to be back, healthy, and ready to play.

2) Logan Thomas will someday be a good quarterback.

3) Today is not "someday"

4) As it stands, Logan Thomas is a mediocre quarterback who will need the Hokie defense to be playing its best in every single game this season. If the defense has a down game, even against a lesser foe, Tech will lose.

What I anticipate happening:

1) Tech will lose its game against Clemson on October 1

2) Somewhere along the line, Tech will also lose a game to an opponent they should beat (Think Duke, Boston College, or Wake Forest)

3) I will stop writing in numbered lists that make me look like a smug and pretentious feminine hygiene product.

Troy-28, #13 Arkansas-38

Troy never gave up in this game. They also fell behind 24-0 at one point and scored their last touchdown with 28 seconds to go, making this game look a heck of a lot closer than it actually was. To quote Public Enemy, "Don't believe the hype."

Missouri State-7, #14 Oregon-56

Missouri State's scheduler should be injured by what's left of the team. They've had to play 2 ranked schools in three weeks! And not, like, #23 and #25. We're talking 2 schools that were in the BCS last season! Who the heck made that decision. (I know, I know, paycheck. Spare me the comments.) (Pfft, like you're reading the review of the Oregon/Missouri State game...)

#15 Michigan State-13, Notre Dame-31

Is this the Notre Dame we were promised before the season?! A Notre Dame that is the 18th best team in the nation? Or is it just that Michigan State probably isn't as good as their ranking indicated? Yeah, I'm banking on #2, too.

#16 Ohio State-6, Miami-24

You know, the ACC had a good weekend. Just thought I'd reiterate that. Both of these teams had rough offseasons, and it was really only a matter of time before reality caught up with Ohio State. The Buckeyes, like too many other teams, play only one semi-difficult nonconference game per year (occasionally less than that). So after a way-too-close matchup with Toledo, the Buckeyes rolled into Miami and got beaten by a team that lost to Maryland 2 weeks prior. It'll be interesting to see where these two schools go from here, but I think that, by virtue of playing in a weaker conference, Miami will come out of 2011 looking a heck of a lot better than Ohio State.

Tennessee-23, #17 Florida-33

Give Tennessee credit, they hung in a game with their hated southern rivals. But a late charge couldn't make up the 10 points spotted to the Gators early, hence the final score. These two teams are still an enigma in my mind. As near as I can tell, history will repeat itself with these two: they could both be mediocre (last season), Florida could be good and Tennessee bad (2009 season), or they could both be good (the 1990s). But since we're three games in, the only way to find out is to keep track of these two as they play. I know, a noncommittal review if there ever was one.

#18 Arizona State-14, Illinois-17

Well, the Sun Devils' stay in the Top 25 was awful brief, now wasn't it? Give ASU credit, they played a much tougher nonconference schedule than most, going up against 2 foes from AQ conferences. Their reward? By losing this game in week 3 of the season, Arizona State could go undefeated the rest of the way and they would almost certainly not make the National Title game. Gotta love this system!

#19 Auburn-24, Clemson-38

I really wanna hype up my conference of choice some more, but we all know Auburn was living on borrowed time. If they hadn't had home field advantage in weeks one and two, there's a very real chance they could've been 0-2 coming into this game. So congrats to Clemson for exposing Auburn as a shell of last year's championship team.

There are real highlight for Clemson is that they staged an excellent comeback after falling behind 14-0 and 21-7. They also have 4 consecutive home games to open up the year, but we'll ignore that for now. If Clemson can beat Florida State at home and Virginia Tech on the road, though, I believe we'll have found ourselves the ACC Champion for 2011 by week five.

Auburn, meanwhile, gets to dust off and tune up against an awful Florida Atlantic team. Then they play South Carolina, Arkansas, Florida, and LSU in consecutive weeks, with 3 of those games on the road. Have fun, Tigers!

#20 West Virginia-38, Maryland-31

Maryland, probably the 4th or 5th best team in the ACC, made a real run at a comeback against the best of the Big East. Oh, sorry, I was doing that ACC thing again.

Ahem, the couch burners of Morgantown managed to use the power of inbreeding to narrowly defeat a team with none of their tradition or recruiting pull.* Those same furniture-torching, cousin-marrying, mediocre-conference-dwelling West Virginians had best hope that their team can put together two good halves of football, or it'll be a long game this week against LSU.

Oh, and the Maryland/Temple game might actually be good! (See Bottom 95 for all your hot, breaking Temple news!)

#21 Texas-49, UCLA-20

Texas avenged the first of its many miserable losses from last season. Well, one down, 6 to go! Texas now gets to play (and likely destroy) Iowa State. Then we'll see just how much better this year's edition of the Longhorns are when they play Oklahoma in the Red River Non-violent-substitute-for-the-word-"Shootout"-goes-here. Should be a good one!

Florida A&M-17, #22 South Florida-70

About the only good thing Florida A&M can take away from this is that if you mumble the score really fast, then it kinda sounds like they tied. South Florida looks like they could be West Virginia's lone threat in the Big East, but there's a looooooong way to go before the Bulls play the Generic Hill People Stereotypes in their season closing game on December 1.

UL-Monroe-17, #23 TCU-38

After getting beaten by Baylor in the opener, TCU seems to have recovered nicely. They don't get tested again until they go to San Diego State on October 8, so look for that to be the day we find out how far-removed these Horned Frogs are from last year's Rose Bowl Champs.

Stephen F. Austin-0, #24 Baylor-48

The weather in the Midwest really sucked this weekend. So did this game...

And now, gird your loins for Tales from the Bottom 95:

Wyoming is 3-0! Great job, Cowboys...Penn State very narrowly edged past Temple. That's not a particularly good sign for the Nittany Lions as the meat of the season draws ever-nearer...Iowa staged a massive rally to beat Pitt on Saturday. This week we'll learn if that was Iowa's fighting spirit, Pitt's ineptitude, or both...Georgia Tech avenged last year's loss to Kansas by running up the score on the Jayhawks in Atlanta. The Jackets may be back atop the ACC sooner than you'd think. The Jayhawks, meanwhile, are already counting down the days to basketball season...Vandy creamed Ole Miss. Houston Nutt should probably print some copies of his résumé while he still gets free ink...Georgia grabbed their first win of the season, albeit against Coastal Carolina...Duke beat Boston College. Heaven help us all if Richmond were to join the ACC, because there's at least 2 teams in the conference they could beat...Carolina defeats UVa. This game won't really be in good perspective until both teams play a few more ACC foes...Florida International is 3-0? The heck?!...Houston still can't play defense...Lastly, Hawaii had to go to Las Vegas. Wow, leaving Hawaii to go to Las Vegas. The only bad part about the trip must've been the beatdown the warriors suffered at the hands of UNLV...

That's all for this week! See you next time! West Virginia fans, be sure to dictate your hate mail to one of the 5 literate people in your state!

*--To any Maryland fan who argues about tradition: You are the only person who has ever been on this blog that knows Maryland won the 1951 National Title. No one else cares.